Dimple Drill

US Patent Issued In 1896

What if you wanted dimples 酒窝 but weren't born with them? Do you have any alternatives? Way back in 1896, our inventor thought he had the right tool for the job, the Dimple Drill!

This dimple producing device has a rounded tip made of either ivory, marble or India rubber. To produce the dimple, simply press the Dimple Drill's tip on the desired dimple lacking area and turn the knob, rotating the dull tip on your face, like a drill. The inventor says it may also be used to nurture and maintain already existing dimples. Does it work? As a wise Sage must have said at some time... "getting a dimple is not as simple as a pimple".
http://totallyabsurd.com/dimpledrill.htm

Snormuffler

The first Snormuffler was designed by Frieda Magrib in an attempt to quiet her husband's unusually loud snoring.

Though the principle (that of using a muffler to reduce sound wave intensity) worked in theory, the actual device never really performed the way it was intended. Because the air intake valves necessary for breathing would, of course, be open during inhalation, no snores were ever muffled since the sounds associated with snoring occur during inhalation.

Even though the Snormuffler failed as an anti-snoring device, it did, however, make an excellent "laugh muffler" useful for those who often find themselves needing to laugh at inappropriate times. Frieda got earplugs.
a)mask b)air valves c)vacuum cleaner hose d)muffler

Human Car Wash

US Patent Issued In 1969

People need bathing. Hospital patients need bathing too and to speed up this process, may we suggest the Human Car Wash? The HCW eliminates slipping and falling because the washees are strapped into a hanging harness and merely need to stand or dangle in a fixed position while the conveyor belt moves them from station to station. First the wetting station, then the soapy spray station, next the rinsing station and at the end, no towels are needed because there's a blow drying station!
http://totallyabsurd.com/humancarwash.htm